FFS Friday: Catch-Up Edition

I’m back!! Again... I swear, I do love to blog, but things have been hectic in disgusting ways so getting at the computer has been impossible. But here I am, just in time for a catch-up FFS, going out in solidarity with the beautiful Sarah at Dear Baby G.

Strap yourselves in, it’s a big’un!

Diddy is still calling my uterus home... No FFS

Offense is being taken at sharing personal space with my internal organs. She’s waged war against them...FFS

I’m 36 weeks. They told me I’d maybe last until 35 weeks, so I’m getting uncomfortable and impatient...FFS

I’m still Braxton Hicksing away for a good part of every day....FFS

I tell ya, with all these ‘practice’ contractions, my uterus better be well-rehearsed for a drama free birth...FFS

Despite measuring ‘small for my dates’ from the outside, an ultrasound this week shows that Diddy is, in fact, HUMUNGUS...FFS

I’m going to give birth to freaking Sasquatch... FFS

Boo (O) has gone from not wanting to know me straight into abandonment issues...FFS

Everytime I get frustrated at her, she bursts into tears and declares ‘you don’t like me anymore, you’re going to leave me!’...FFS

Not sure if being manipulated or...FFS

We have an enrolment interview next week with the local Catholic school...No FFS

I’m not sure I’m ready to have a kid in school...FFS

I’ve checked out of parenting Bozo (L)...FFS

This might sound harsh on 18 different levels, but his mother is using him as a means of manipulating myself and his father...FFS

She refuses to buy him new clothes for her house, and I’m too tired and pregnant to cope with arguing that it’s not our responsibility to outfit him when he’s under her roof...FFS

Beyond that, his mother and grandmother don’t make him do anything for himself, and his personal autonomy is diminishing rapidly...FFS

The kid is 10 and can’t wash himself properly....FFS

I’ve had to check out in self-defence or my brain will explode from the frustration...FFS

Husbeast is still unemployed...FFS

In a way, this is a positive. There’s no question that he’ll be able to come to hospital with me no matter the time of day or night...FFS

However, keeping our heads above water on welfare payments is getting to be exhausting...FFS

I’ve gotten very resourceful with cheap food...No FFS

But the family car (which is as old as I am) probably only has another 6 good months in it...FFS

Husbeast has finally gotten the hint that I'm not moving and started doing the cooking and cleaning I'm no longer mobile enough to manage... No FFS

BUT

Did I mention I’m STILL pregnant? FFS

Ohh I missed this. I’m sorry, Sanity-Seekers, I’ll never leave you for this long again!!

Learning My Lesson

Amazing what vitriol does for the learning curve!!

I need to make a clarification on ANYTHING I've said about O's father in the past (or future, might I add!)

The man I had my first child with is a wonderful father. He treats our little girl like the complete princess she deserves to feel like at all times. He's helped me more than I can say, and he's been fantastic about dealing with my occasional scattiness and bouts of insanity. On top of that, he's supported my little girl and I through some pretty awful stuff in the past year or two.

I never, EVER meant to insinuate that he was anything less than an excellent parent. The concerns I have about O being with him are all my own. Control-freak issues, and a desperate need to understand what's going on with my princess. The dramas we have with her are to do with her little body and brain not adjusting well to frequent change, and one day I hope to find a better way to take this in my stride. But for now, all I can do is cope. And occasionally bitch.

I've dedicated myself wholly to the task of parenting O the best way I know how, and will continue to do so. And the best I can hope is that her father will continue to help me in parenting her the best way he knows how, too.

The important lesson here? Everyone can see what I'm writing now. I need to be careful with how I word things, and form my opinions and thoughts fully before I put them out there to be misconstrued.

Separation Parenting and Hidden Challenges

My princess O comes back to me from her Dad’s today, and stepson L returns from his mum’s, so bedlam is a mere few hours away from hitting my house with a vengeance.

O has a little more visitation with her Dad than I’d like these days, but that is the nature of her growing up. Currently she spends 2 nights a week at his house. These 2 nights a week she is in a strange bed, in a strange house, in a bedroom that backs onto the neighbour’s bedroom. She hears strange noises, and there is only one person sleeping in the next room. She comes home with purple circles under her eyes that almost reach her jaw line, and an attitude I hoped not to have to deal with until she turns 13. On these days, when I gently suggest a nap, she hears ‘I’m going to lock you in a dark room and make you stay there for H O U R S and H O U R S and yell if you try to come out.’ She screams and kicks and chucks tantrums. My beautiful, happy, sweetnatured girl turns into something from a horror movie until I give up, and let her have the TV in the playroom. 

This is around the time I call my ex and snarl ‘why did you send me back a hellbeast? She clearly didn’t sleep, what the hell?’ and my quiet, timid pain-in-the-ass tells me she slept fine and he has no clue what’s happening. Resigned to getting nothing from him, I hang up and scream at my phone ‘YOU ARE A LIAR!!!’ 

When she stays up all night, screaming and refusing to sleep, I curse his name (when my princess isn’t listening, of course) and then I worry about why she is so afraid of sleep.

All of this isn't to say that my ex is a horrible father. I don't believe that for a second. He loves our little girl more than anything, and would never in his life hurt her. He's been an excellent co-parent and (more recently) a friend. As a mother, though, I worry whenever O is out of my sight. I want her world to be full of unicorns and puppy dogs, and her screaming and nightmares terrify me. 

By Saturday morning, my gorgeous, happy girl is back, sneaking into bed for cuddles as soon as her stepdaddy leaves for work and asking when she can have her breakfast. 

L is much quieter these days when he arrives from his mum’s house. 8 months or so ago, when he came over he was another demon child. He’d bounce of walls, truly a feral beast. His attitude was always beyond deplorable, and his Dad’s 23-year-old girlfriend (yep, me) was a particularly easy target for the vitriol he had clearly stored up all week.

Now, he’s learnt that no matter what he does I’m gonna keep on being there. I love his dad, and him, and I ain’t going anywhere. He goes to his room now, and reads and gives himself a bit of time to make the transition from one house to the other. Or, even better, sometimes I get to pick him up from school. The nice, quiet half-hour car ride gives him time to relax into being at Dad’s place and hanging with me for a few days. However he chooses, I give him half an hour or so to get his head around the new place the new people. It may be his Dad’s house, but the majority of time spent here is with me, and anything that saves me the heartache of scary demon child, I’ll do gladly.

When my ex and I got pregnant with O, we were engaged. We were going to be together forever, and a parenting team. I’m sure B and his ex thought the same thing. Separation parenting was never on the cards. Now that we’re both doing it, the challenges are more than either of us imagined. I knew there would be communication issues, lies, fights over special occasions, stressing about consistency. I never, ever thought about the transitions and how hard they’d get as my little girl grew. She was 9 months old when we separated, and I was only 20!! But now I take it in my stride. I’m learning to be a parent, and a step parent, and to deal with everything that kids bring. Even the stuff the books don’t tell you about.