Tuesday, February 5, 2013

It's been a bad day



Yesterday was what we call a ‘bad’ day at my house. This is a day where my mood is somewhere below ‘despair’ and I can’t seem to get a toe-hold. I do my best on these days to keep my head above water, for my little girl if nothing else, but yesterday it was particularly hard.

Unfortunately, I have some pretty severe depression and anxiety, along with a lovely case of OCD. This turns my brain into a melting-pot of hideousness, and some days are so bad that I get antsy. I can’t sit still, but I can’t cope with practicalities like cleaning or homework. I need to run away.

Yesterday, despite severe exhaustion, I needed to get out. I popped in my car and went for a drive for an hour (yes, this is so bad for the environment, but I’ve not driven at all for 3 weeks so it balances). When I got home, B was here for his lunch break, and I felt all my muscles tense up. I was 15-minutes out from kinder pick-up time, I needed that time to calm down so I wasn’t a mess when my girl got home. As soon as I got inside, B started yet another soliloquy on ‘Asshole Co-worker’, a man at work who doesn’t work, smokes while standing right next to my non-smoking husband, lies, acts like an arrogant SOB and generally makes B’s life hellish. 

I understand and have sympathy for B’s upset over Asshole Co-worker. He’s frustrated, and he’s a man with a short fuse. However, I’ve been getting at least 20-30 minutes ranting about this guy after every single work day, and quite often during lunch breaks also. That can add up to an hour a day (or more!) that I spend listening to complaints about this guy. I’m starting to get really, really mad about it and yesterday, when I’d needed the cooldown time, I snapped. I asked B if he had the time to come get O with me, to which he replied ‘no, I have to get back’ before continuing with his rant. I yelled ‘I’VE HAD ENOUGH’ and stormed out. I got into my car and screamed for at least a full minute or two, before going to get my little girl.

Every single day of my life, I work hard to put on a brave, happy face. My family deserve me at my very best, and it’s my responsibility to make situations happen where I can be that best. Yesterday, despite all my best efforts, I wasn’t at that best. That was all on me, because unfortunately some days it just can’t be helped. On these days, I only want for nothing to make it worse. I give O anything she wants on these days, because it keeps her sweet and happy, and I can cope. I don’t argue, because I don’t have enough control over my emotions to pull back. All I want from the rest of my family is minimal conflict. I want to be able to swim under that big, scary, overwhelming wave and surface on the other side. Yesterday, I felt like I’d managed to get under the wave and just as I was trying to get my head up, but B was holding me down.

I’ve been self-managed for many years now. I’ve never thought of myself as a ‘sufferer’ of my mental disorders, they’re just something I have that I deal with. I avoid medication like the plague. It takes away my personality, and I’m not ‘me’. On medication, I don’t joke with my daughter, I’m a less loving partner to my husband, I’m a zombie-lady who operates on autopilot, so I don’t medicate. The upside is total control on the good days and my bouncy, fun personality. The downside is that the lows are much, MUCH lower. Terrifyingly low. 

I ask little of my husband. Love, equality, a little financial security while I can’t work. Mostly, I ask for support. I ask him to help me in keeping my moods even, and I ask that he doesn’t exacerbate things on the bad days. Yesterday was definitely a bad day, and with this having been communicated, it made me hurt that he couldn’t pull back, as I do so often. 

I’m interested to know how this post strikes you. Do you have a mental illness? How does it affect your family life? 

I'm loving the fact that these days, I Blog On Tuesdays with Essentially Jess. Do you?




18 comments:

  1. Tara this does sound familiar to me. Im not officially diagnosed (yet) but im pretty sure i suffer from rather bad anxiety and am seeing a counsellor at the moment. It is really hard managing a family; wish i could give u a big hug of encouragement! xx

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    1. I'm so glad you're seeing someone Mandy, it's so important to have a support system removed from your personal network! Thankyou for visiting and reading xx

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  2. Ok - I had a bout of PND with my second child and this all sounds very familiar. I hope you are getting some kind of professional help.

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    1. I've been getting professional help for 10 years now (wow, it's been that long!). It's definitely not PND, because it was pre-existing and doesn't encompass feelings of resentment toward or detachment my child. Unfortunately, professionals in the field love using motherhood as a basis for PND blame, because this makes it something's 'fault', rather than just nature.
      That being said, PND is a very real and distressing issue, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, it's not pleasant at all.
      This is just a part of who I am, has been all my life. I'm studying psychology these days to become more aware of mental illness issues and equipped to help others in my position manage their lives.
      Thanks for coming for a read xx

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  3. Oh Tara I could have written that post. Sometimes, I just need that 20minutes quiet time to get my head together and keep the brave face. When I can't, it all falls to pieces. I get that antsy feeling too, where my head is all over the place and I can't seem to achieve anything. Big Hugs xx

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    1. Hugs to you Eleise. There's a lot to be said for knowing you're not alone, and I truly have no issues sharing the most intimate parts of my life if it gives just one person that feeling of solidarity. xx

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  5. running a household is hard enough work as it is...add to it all this other stuff and you really have a tough situation. i really do hope you find an outlet that works for you, even if it's a 20 minute walk outside the house. take care :)

    rockoomph.blogspot.com
    mobilemorsels.blogspot.com

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  6. This post is a testament to the amazing person you are
    Your day sounds awful, horribly awful
    But you surfaced from the wave to write this post with clarity and a change
    I hope that you find some peace and that you enjoy more good days, than ones that are low
    Mental illness is prevalent in our society - my family is no exception
    Big hugs
    Josefa from #teamIBOT

    PS I love blogging on Tuesdays with Jess too xx

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  7. Hello lovely, I'm sorry that yesterday was such a bad day for you. I truly understand where you are coming from. I have been suffering? living? dealing? with depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia and emetophobia for about 13 years now. I am medicated - fortunately I can tolerate my meds quite okay although I'd dearly love not to need them. For the most part I can manage myself quite well now. It is just me. Maybe your husband needs to confront the co-worker so he can vent directly about the issues he is having and take some of the strain off of you? Hang in there. xx

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  8. Great post and thank you for sharing, it really is comforting to know we are not alone in these situations. I don't have any illness but I still have days like these, where I feel pushed beyond the brink and have no option but to snap. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you lovely

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  9. Tara I admire you for putting this up there, I'm also very honest about how I've been struggling to cope with 3 kids in 3.5 years, I didn't cope last year and at the moment am tittering again. I just feel bad for my kids who probably start to think I'm always a cranky/busy mum. I curse, cry and console myself at my washing line - hang in there :) Emily

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  10. Does your husband understand this? Do you take the time to sit with him at times and explain those kinds of reactions? He may well be very confused and may need help to understand your triggers and to recognise when things are getting on top of you. Men are simple creatures who often find women very confusing at the best of times! Found you via IBOT and am following along. Nice to meet you :-)

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  11. Oh Goodness, you just described so much of my last year. I was struggling with PND and hubs has been majorly stressed at work- but how often do you listen to the whining and whinging before you just can't take it anymore? We actually sat down and had a chat about it all, and hubs decided to give his job a little longer to see if it could be salvaged or not. But he is going to work on not bringing work home. We are actually both seeing therapists now and it is helping. Hope you can get some relief too. xxx

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  12. I hope today was a better one.

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  13. It sounds like such a hard situation. I've only had experience with PND for which I'm still medicated.
    I think it's great that you have been able to self manage for so long. That's quite admirable.

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  14. You sound strong love. We all have and days no matter what our situation, and on these days our vulnerabilities can shake us to the core. Today is a new day. Sometimes I find just trying to take one step at a time rather than viewing life through the myriad of lenses we need to act on is easier. One thought, one step, time to stop and breathe. It can make it easier to cope and puts things into perspective. x

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  15. This is a very courageous post. Sending virtual positive energy your way. I don't have any illness but I know these bad days where I just want to stay under the blanket and wait until they pass. They are very hard.

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